I'm a disappointment. :(

I was thinking back on my life and I can honestly say what a screw up I ended being.  Whilst doing good in my academics, I failed at everything else.  I used to be good at maths but when I got to higher maths, I failed.  I cannot hold down a job for whatever reason.  I am a hard worker but I am a target for harassment and teasing.  I cannot help being socially awkward.  I used to think I have a big heart but people have stepped all over me and treated me like dirt that now I have a blackened heart.  I am mistrusting of EVERYONE these days.  I have to be wary of every single person I come in contact with.  People don't understand my depression.  They all think I'm a whiny bitch.  They think I'm clingy.  They think I'm crazy. They think I am immature.

I'll admit I haven't been the same since I was falsely arrested and since my father died. I am messed up now.  Really really messed up.  When I was falsely accused of something I didn't do,  my family didn't give a flying fuck.  My mum yelled at me for being stupid when I called her from the ER saying I would need a ride since my car was left in Dixon.  My siblings were all like "aw that sucks" and moved on.  If something like that happened to them, I would have moved heaven and earth to see that justice was done and that the perpetrators were punished.  But that's me.

I am also a disappointment to myself because I feel responsible for my dad's death.  My mum offered to buy me a plane ticket to go see him after New Year's, but I didn't take her up on that offer.  If I had been there for him, he would have had a reason to hold on. But instead I abandoned him and he died 10 days after New Years.  If I had gone down there and spend time with him, he would still be alive.  I can never forgive myself.  I have to carry this with me for the rest of my natural life.

I wanted to join the military.  Went to see the recruiter when I was 16.  I was turned down because my eyesight is too fucked up and cannot be fixed.  Out of the 7 people in my family, I am the ONLY one who is not in the military.  Right now I am so down in the dumps.  Cannot find job.  Recently applied to McDonalds I am that desperate.  And if I were to get hired, I'd be as happy as a pig in mud.  Honestly I would be happy to just work minimum wage for the rest of my life.  All my positive aspirations I had for myself are gone.   Forever.


PHOTO OF THE DAY:
My duckie Walter.