I'm a disappointment. :(

I was thinking back on my life and I can honestly say what a screw up I ended being.  Whilst doing good in my academics, I failed at everything else.  I used to be good at maths but when I got to higher maths, I failed.  I cannot hold down a job for whatever reason.  I am a hard worker but I am a target for harassment and teasing.  I cannot help being socially awkward.  I used to think I have a big heart but people have stepped all over me and treated me like dirt that now I have a blackened heart.  I am mistrusting of EVERYONE these days.  I have to be wary of every single person I come in contact with.  People don't understand my depression.  They all think I'm a whiny bitch.  They think I'm clingy.  They think I'm crazy. They think I am immature.

I'll admit I haven't been the same since I was falsely arrested and since my father died. I am messed up now.  Really really messed up.  When I was falsely accused of something I didn't do,  my family didn't give a flying fuck.  My mum yelled at me for being stupid when I called her from the ER saying I would need a ride since my car was left in Dixon.  My siblings were all like "aw that sucks" and moved on.  If something like that happened to them, I would have moved heaven and earth to see that justice was done and that the perpetrators were punished.  But that's me.

I am also a disappointment to myself because I feel responsible for my dad's death.  My mum offered to buy me a plane ticket to go see him after New Year's, but I didn't take her up on that offer.  If I had been there for him, he would have had a reason to hold on. But instead I abandoned him and he died 10 days after New Years.  If I had gone down there and spend time with him, he would still be alive.  I can never forgive myself.  I have to carry this with me for the rest of my natural life.

I wanted to join the military.  Went to see the recruiter when I was 16.  I was turned down because my eyesight is too fucked up and cannot be fixed.  Out of the 7 people in my family, I am the ONLY one who is not in the military.  Right now I am so down in the dumps.  Cannot find job.  Recently applied to McDonalds I am that desperate.  And if I were to get hired, I'd be as happy as a pig in mud.  Honestly I would be happy to just work minimum wage for the rest of my life.  All my positive aspirations I had for myself are gone.   Forever.


PHOTO OF THE DAY:
My duckie Walter.

25 Years of Crushes! :)

So my last few entries have been of a morbid nature so I thought I would lighten things up by writing a silly post.  This is a post that is going to highlight all of the celeb crushes I have had for basically my entire lifetime.  I have never, ever done this before and even now I am thinking of backing out because it is so damn silly.  I do have an OCD nature so this may be a side effect of that.  Who knows?  What I do know is that having these obsessions and crushes have not deterred me in anyway or hurt me or others so honestly I do not see a problem with this.  LOL

I will list all of my crushes in the order I have them pictured at the bottom. They are not in any particular order. Some only lasted a month or so.  Others have lasted years and my friends will know who I am talking about.

A lot of my crushes have been people that I liked as a celeb or character before I even had a crush on them.  I have been a fan of their show forever or grew up on their songs etc  etc.  It just happened that one day I said, Hm I think I have a crush on so and so.

 


So *deep breath* here I go.
1). Alex Trebek- I grew up watching Jeopardy with Daddy and I thought Alex was very dashing and smart.  In a young girl's eyes, (me)  he was the perfect guy.  LOL

2) Dick Clark - Ok I got a soft spot in my heart for Dick Clark not from New Years but from the game show Scattegories back in the 90s.  I could not believe he was in his '60s!  I asked a lady at Sam's Club one time how old he was because I didn't believe my mum!!!!

3) Captain James Tiberius Kirk - Ok it's Jim Kirk what is there not to love about him?!  He was handsome, daring, attracted all the ladies, and commanded a starship.  So ok Spock ended up running the ship most of the times but hey I just loved Jim in the Voyage Home.  I drool over the underwater scene every time.  RAWR!!!!!

4) Steve Guttenberg - He is so adorable!!!  I loved him in Three Men And A Baby!  And he was drop dead gorgeous as Lobo in the Boyfriend School.  He just had such a boyish charm about him.  I also really liked him in Zeus and Roxanne despite the crappy reviews.

5) Lt. Tom Paris of Voyager - Dashing, bad boy type, was not afraid to talk back to Janeway.  And says to Tuvok. "Has anyone told you you're a real freakasaurus?"  He was nice to Harry and was good friends to him.  And he had pretty blue eyes.  Sigh

6) Mark Valley – Mark Valley is probably known for Keen Eddie and Human Target but I remember him from Days Of Our Lives when I watched that at the babysitter’s house.  I only fell for him because I swear I thought it was Robert McNeil (Tom Paris) from Star Trek because they look very similar.  But I soon bore of him.  He only lasted like a month. LOL

7) Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr – Come on now. We have all had our Beatles moment.  Even though I wasn’t alive in the 60s or what not, I still fell in love with their music and these two just happen to catch my eye in a crush sort of way too.  They were just so adorable!!!!

8) Phil Collins – I was more in love with his music than him.  He actually doesn’t seem like the nicest of people personally, but he is very talented and I just love like all of his songs and really enjoyed the Tarzan soundtrack.  I wouldn’t say he was cute physically but his talent was handsome if that makes sense.

9) Toby Keith – I started to listen to country in the 90s at the babysitters house and I fell for handsome Toby Keith.  I am talking early to mid 90s Toby Keith when he was actually worth listening to.  I have to admit that after the Dream Walkin’ album,  I did not care for his songs that much.  Still don’t.

10) Michael Bolton – The guy is gorgeous, he can sing, he used to be a Hard Rocker.  And has a very nice chest!!  RAWR!!

11) Richard Marx – Pretty much what I said about Michael Bolton.  I grew up on these guys’ music and have always been a part of my life if that makes sense.  LOL

12) Trip Tucker – The chief engineer on Enterprise is so damn cute!!!!!  I just love his accent, love when he goes shirtless and just had me in giggles when he said to Captain Archer “A poop question sir?!”  and the look on his face!!!!

13) Harrison Ford – Duh he was Han Solo and Indiana Jones.  That gets points in my book.  LOL

14) Barry Van Dyke – Another very short lived crush but I thought he was so cute as Steve on Diagnosis Murder.  He and his dad had such good rapport on the show!

15) Colin Firth – He was awesome as Mr. Darcy.  I just loved him in Bridget Jones’ Diary and Love Actually.  He is just superb!

16) Morten Harket – The lead singer of the 80s group a-Ha that sings one of my most favourite songs of all time, “Take On Me”.  The video was just epic for that too.

17) Go West – Go West was an 80s group as well and the duo was Richard Drummie and Peter Cox.  They had great music and they were so cute, accents and all.

18) Tony Hadley – Lead singer to another favourite 80s band, Spandau Ballet.

19) Big Kenny – Half of the duo Big and Rich.  Any one who says Love Everybody and sings Ride a Horse, Save a Cowboy and has a black country rapper in their band is just awesome.  He had awesome top hats too.

20) Keith Urban - Sexy Australian country singer with a sexy accent and he was in Playgirl.  'Nuff Said

21) Emilio Estevez – The guy had so many AWESOME movies.  He wasn’t gorgeous or anything but he just seem like the genuine article and really played his characters well. My favourite was Kirbo from St. Elmo’s Fire. But OMG Loaded Weapon is hilarious if you haven’t seen it yet. 

22) John Parr – Yet another 80s musician.  He also sang St. Elmo’s Fire.

23) Richard Dean Anderson -  I have watched MacGyver for as long as I could remember.  I always would think wow he is so smart and can get out of anything.  He truly amazed me.  Then I also really loved Jack O’Neil from Stargate.  He was awesome too.

24) Anthony LaPaglia – Another short lived crush.  He did not age well!  Blech.  But I have to admit he was gorgeous in Empire Records. 

25) Young Charlie Sheen – Ok Charlie Sheen is a dick.  But he was cute when he was younger and in a lot of movies I liked.  I only really liked him then because of his look.  He is such a jackass in real life though.  Not at all like sweet, caring Emilio!

26) Will Ferrell – Will Ferrell is funny as hell.  I don’t think he is cute, but I just totally loved him as Chazz Michael Michaels in Blades of Glory and if I need a laugh, all I have to do is watch a Will Ferrell Movie.  I totally loved Step Brothers.  What a riot!

27) Max Carl Gronenthal – Another musician who hails from Nebraska where I used to live.  The picture below of him is an actual concert photo of him that I took several years ago when I got to see him in concert.  What a treat that was!!!!

28) Vincent Irizarry – The hunk of daytime TV.  He plays Dr. David Hayward on All My Children.  I was devastated when they cancelled AMC but was delighted when it was streamed online.  Unfortunately my internet sucks such monkey balls that I can’t watch it.  L.

29) Severus Snape – He is very gloomy and sullen but there is something extremely sexy about him.  Part of it is Alan Rickman’s voice.  I gotta admit Alan is not that cute and he is kind of old, but his voice is just so awesome and I still think Snape is hot. 

30) Scott Bakula – Loved him in Quantum Leap, loved him even more as Jonathan Archer in Enterprise.  He has nice eyes and can sing really well.  And back in 2001, my brother threatened to name his ass Scott Bakula because he knew I liked him and that it would get my goat.  Well it did and I threatened to kick his butt so he nicely changed his ass’s name to Scott Ashby.

So that is my list.  I cannot believe I am about to publish this.  I am going to run and hide from embarrassment now. LOL

*turns bright red*

PHOTO(S) OF THE DAY:

Presenting 25 years of celeb crushes.  LOL  

 

Depression. A self assesment.

I have not been on here in a long time.  Busy with school and other things.  But still no job.......yet.  That is going to change by the end of summer!  :)

However, in light of recent events, I felt the need to make an entry about depression.  And when I say recent, I am referring to a couple days ago but I am also referring to the fall of 2011 that fueled my depression to the worst I have eve seen it.

I have a dear friend who also suffers from depression and yet another who is a schizophrenic and they and I get along quite well and understand what I am going through.  Now I don't have many friends outside of those two, but the ones I do have do not honestly understand my illness.  I need to remember this.  I reach out to them in my way, but to them I am being a whiny bitch who sounds like they "had their lunch pinched at school."  If I sound crazy to you, it is because I am feeling a lot of emotional pain and am trying to reach for you, the light from the darkness.  Maybe I reached out to you because you have always been kind and caring to me but finally reached a breaking point in which you could no longer provide the support I need.  In the heat of the moment, I see this as a slam in the face and it hurts.  But when I stop and assess the situation,  I need to remember that a). You do not have this illness and therefore don't understand it b)You really don't know how to respond to a seemingly crazy person and 3) You are just tired of the whiny little bitch.

It finally hit me why I do not have many friends.  I will meet someone new, usually based on a common interest.  Then I will have a major depressive episode and or get easily offended during one of those episodes.  I am currently in an episode and it has basically lasted since October 2011.  That is a long time.  I know I need to get help and I need to learn how to maintain better friendships. 

First off, what is depression you ask?  Is it just some pussy bitch getting butt hurt about everything?  People that need to "snap out of it" or "grow up?"  Well maybe that is part of it.  But I do not like to think of it like that.  For some reason, some of us get a chemical imbalance in the brain and the neurotransmitters get all out of whack.  Some people are born with that, others develop it along the way depending on what happens in their environment around the,m  There is major depression and there are milder forms of depression.  I actually never realised that I had depression until a couple years ago when my mum said to me, "Honey I think you are depressed."  I have never been thoroughly checked out by a licenced professional, but it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out the signs and symptoms of depression.  When I did find out and assess myself, I thought, "eh  no big deal, right?"  I always thought that I had what is called "situational depression"  which is a chameleon like depression that centres around what is happening to you during a certain period of time then you can quickly snap out of it when a positive thing happens to you.  I now know that I do now suffer from this.  Positive things happen to me a lot but I cannot see through the darkness.  I know that I need help but it is hard to get help when it requires money, something that I am lacking right now.

People who have been subjected to abuse during their childhood or put down a lot have a higher percentage of getting depression.  I do not think of my self growing up in an abusive childhood, but there was a lot of name calling, demeaning things said to me and put downs whilst growing up.  Also, people who are adopted also tend to have a higher risk for mental illness.  To be honest, I hate the fact that I am adopted.  I almost wished my parents lied and said that I was their own, but that really wouldn't work anyway because I remember my life before they came into it.  My father had depression and he had a very abusive childhood.  His mother was and still is an evil piece of shit and I do not care if this gets back to her.  Not only did she treat my dad like shit, she treated me like shit for no reason.  But I digress.

My siblings and mum have also endured the verbal abuse as well, but since I am such a fragile sensitve cry baby, it really hurt me badly.

Hopefully this clears some stuff up for folks.  I may divulge further in this subject down the road because I believe it needs more awareness and because I am still learning about it.


PHOTO OF THE DAY:
I discovered at the start of my major depressive episode that I am okay at drawing.  Not great but okay.  I think it is therapeutic. Here is a drawing I drew for my friend Katie of her favourite Starship captain.

Tragedy and Anger

Here I was saying that I wanted to stay away from depressing posts, but something happened on Friday that had a whole country shook up with anger and sorrow and a slew of emotions and shock!  I had a babysitting job that morning and I came home and checked my FB for messages and I saw a post from George Takei stating that he wouldn't be posting any more that day because of the terrible tragedy in Connecticut.  I didn't know what that was all about so I looked it up on the News search engine.  I could not believe what I was reading!!!!  Innocent, precious children and loving school staff brutally murdered in cold blood and for who knows what reason!!!  Immediately, my heart was filled with sorrow, but over the course of the day, I was shook with anger that some ass wipe could even think of going to a school to shoot it up and hurt innocent little kids!!!!  And now I have a bunch of mixed feelings about guns.

Yes I know that guns don't kill people, people kill people.  And I see a lot of gun rights supporters stating this.  I agree.  It is the same thing to say that my pencil failed my final, not me.  The guns don't have lives of their own.  Some believe that gun control won't really do jack shit.  I disagree.  I know that under the second amendment, we have the right to bear arms. And I am all for that amendment, but I believe that there needs to be stricter rules.  I do not see the need for someone to be in possession of a semi-auto.  For what purpose do you need this type of gun to protect yourself?  Semi-autos were used in the Sandy Hook massacre and the damage was way worse than had the gun been a single shot.  Most of those children had three to eleven fucking wounds in their bodies.  Three to eleven!!!!!!  Yeah I am mad!!!! How the hell could you do that to ANYBODY????  And the sad thing is that the gun(s) used were legally purchased and obtained, yet a crazy piece of shit still got a hold of them.  My question for people is:  If you all don't want to see more gun control, what are we going to do and what are we going to enforce to stop these assholes from obtaining weapons to do harm?  Many of these perps never had a police record and have appeared sane on the outside and people would never dream that they would ever do harm to another human being.  What can we do to prevent this????  I really don't know.  I personally think it is a next to impossible feat. But we do need to rethink about what we can or cannot allow.  I'm sorry but people do not need to own a goddamn semi-auto for ANY REASON!.  One who is well versed in gun skills can protect themselves with a rifle or pistol.  And before you all accuse me of being a gun rights hater or what not,  no I do not hate guns, I am NOT against the second amendment.  We own several rifles.  I like the idea of feeling safe by having a way to defend myself if I need to.  But my faith in humanity has greatly been reduced.

Another thing that angers me is that people say stupid shit like "How could God let this happen?"  "He really doesn't give a fuck because he allowed this to happen!"  blah blah blah.  When God created humanity (for those of you left who still believe in Him, which I don't think is that many of you since religion has become next to obsolete these days!) He gave us the privilege of Free Will.  He gave us the right to make our own decisions.  He could have very well said, "Well no I am going to make EVERY decision for you.  You cannot do or think for yourself..  But He didn't.  So it isn't that God let this happen.  WE let it happen by acting on Free Will.  It is OUR decisions that cause tragedies like this.  It is also OUR decision that cause good things in the world to happen to.  But if God came down and saved every one from every tragedy and act of violence, then how are we supposed to learn and grow from our mistakes?  We need to look at ourselves and make the change.  That isn't to say that God isn't there to guide us.  He is.

However, this has also taught me to appreciate who and what I have in my life and to cherish those with every fibre of my being.  And really enjoy the time spent with loved ones and appreciate all they have done for me and appreciate all what the Lord has provided for me and my family and friends. So whilst I am sorrowful for the victims and have said many prayers for them,  I still want to enjoy my family this Holiday season and give thanks for all the Wonderful things in my life.

PHOTO OF THE DAY:
Seven months ago, my baby niece Evelyn was born.  She arrived into the world a healthy baby and she has wonderful parents and family who love and cherish her always.  I get to see her in about a week.  I love you baby Evelyn!

I wish Life came with a big eraser.

I always want to try and be upbeat in my posts, but today I have been feeling rather melancholy. Usually, I do not want to put depressing entries on here because I do not want to sound EMO and I do not want to drag you all down with my problems.  I want to be able to make you all smile.  But I am doing so today because sometimes writing out my feelings helps to get it off my chest and not keep it in.  Basically, (and I know ALL of us have felt this way at least once during our lives) I wish that life came with a way to erase the bad and unhappy or bad mistakes.  Today, amidst the packing frenzy, I went to the car to get my sheet about my assignment due today. (I have an assignment for school and I told Mother that I would work on packing and cleaning, but that I must get this paper done.  I did not want to be the only one to not turn in a paper! No sirree Bob!)  I came across some stuff in the car that brought up a lot of old demons from my past and from that point forward, I felt like a thousand big rocks were weighing me down.  This is going to prompt me to clean out my truck and get rid of useless shit.  But the fact remains that this incident that I am referring to is always going to leave a scar on me, no matter what.  I told myself that it is the past and that I have to get over it.  Yet not everything is easy to just drop and forget.  Yes, I should move on but there is no forgetting such an awful thing.  That is only human to feel that way.  And I wonder what would I say or do if I came across the individuals involved???  I would have to fight the urge to want to do them harm.  In all reality, I would just ignore them and keep walking away.  They are not and never were worthy of my attention or acknowledgement.  And yes I am a firm believer of karma.  People that hurt other people for their own malicious reasons get their due.  I may not be a witness to that, but I have some satisfaction knowing that it will happen.  Not a very Christian view, I know. But like I said, I am human.  The Lord Jesus always said "Turn The Other Cheek."  I actually feel like I have done that a lot in my life, but the reward I get for that is being stepped over.  It is a fine line.  So when I feel like this, I always  know that I can turn to the Lord for guidance.  And I am able to draw strength from that.  Already I feel a lot better just being able to get this out.

Well, as always I must run.  I finished my assignment and now back to packing.
Oh, boy!!!!!
Stay cool.

PHOTO OF THE DAY:
This was one of our little ducklings we had a long time ago.  I love his little "fro.

Busy, busy, busy

It's the holiday season.  And everybody is always running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  And yes, I do know what that looks like.  We used to butcher our own chickens and it is true about them running around and around whilst being headless.  But I am busy and it isn't completely holiday related.  You see, I am finally getting my house renovated.  Well if you can call it a house.  Basically it is just a workshop on the back of my parent's property but finally were we able to obtain a building permit to have it converted into living quarters.  For ten years, I have been without plumbing.  So imagine having to take a leak in the middle of the night and  having to trudge into my parent's house.  Yeah no fun!!!!!  It will be so nice to have my very own bathroom and kitchen.

On Monday, one of those storage pod things are getting delivered and then I have to box everything up and move it into the pod.  We actually just got done moving the piano into my parent's house and let me tell ya, that was some feat!!!  It is rather a small piano, standing at only about 3 feet tall but boy does it weigh a ton!!!  My brother and I attempted to move it without any tools but that didn't work.  So I went to UHaul to rent out two furniture dollies.  Well we finally were able to wrestle that beast out of the door onto the dollies but they wouldn't easily roll because in the country, and especially after a rainfall, the ground tends to be mushy, muddy and wet!  No nice concrete slabs like you all have in the city!  No sirree Bob! So I suggested that we find a piece of board or two to use as a sort of "moveable walkway" that the dollies could easily slide across. So with the help of my brother, sister, and Mum, we were able to truck it into the front yard of the main house, but getting up those stairs would be a bitch.  Well, the friendly neighbour across the street offered to help.  I was also able to enlist help from our next door neighbour, who had straps which helped us easier get the piano in through the front door.  It was an hour and a half of hard work but we finally were successful in getting the darn thing into the house.  Though I'll admit without Les and Dwight's help, we would have been up shit creek.  But anyway, it's over and done with.  Now I am just nursing a few pinch wounds on my hands and chest, but I will survive.  The sucky thing is that when my house is finished, we have to move the SOB back, but I am hoping to enlist the help of our contractor.

I am on the last stretch for school this year and then I have a month off.  I finished my paper today and have one more to write before Wednesday.  Then we will have our finals on Thursday and then WINTER BREAK!  Hooray!!! Then I can focus on getting ready for Christmas!  Oh, boy!!!! I may need to rent me some elves so that I will be able to get all my gifts for family done in time.

Now I am going to stuff my face with some dinner because boy, oh boy did I work up an appetite after the whole piano fiasco.

Adios!  :)

PHOTO OF THE DAY:
If only I knew where I could get these underwears.  Professor Snape undies, what a wonderful invention! :3

Keeping a diary, not like the old days.

     I have  not done a blog since MySpace.  And that was several years ago.  I was younger then and I know I sounded so silly and teenager-ish in those posts.  I am not saying that I won't sound the same way here, but I am older and wiser and I think I can put things in writing in a bit more mature way than several years ago.  I highly doubt many people will read this anyway, but the purpose of this blog is to write down my feelings and interests for whoever may be interested in reading about them, but also to use this as an instrument for me to look at my life through my written words.  It is always fun to look back at old blogs or in my day, paper bound diaries that had the cheap ass lock on there and you kept it by your bed to read and write into at night, or giggle at the entries with your girlfriends during a sleep over, or that your brother stole from your room and broke off the cheap ass lock and laughed heartily at all the drooling entries about Luke Perry and New Kids on The Block.  Mind you, those aforementioned things were NOT in my diary; that was merely an example.  My diary would consist of Star Trek crushes and music that I recorded off the radio and more Star Trek crushes, and how mad the parents could make me.

     I hope that I will keep up with this "blog" as this generation calls it.  I would like to share a whole bunch of things on here.  New baking ventures, how my garden is doing, funny pictures of my pets, and yes I will do a few entries of my most favourite celebrities.  These will most likely include, in no particular order:  Vincent Irizarry, Alan Rickman, Connor Trinneer, and Scott Bakula.  So if people gushing over their fave celebs is not your thing, then don't read the post.  Simple.  But kudos to you if you decide to brave reading my silly ass entries.

     I look forward to sharing myself and my life with all of you (or at least the people who choose to "follow" me.)  I probably have taken enough of your time already.  So I tip my hat to you with a hasty "Au Revoir."

PHOTO OF THE DAY:
Here is a picture of me with one of our orphan kittens.  Isn't she the cutest thing?  She has found a forever home now, but I occasionally think of all the little kittens we have had pass through our home.