I'm a disappointment. :(

I was thinking back on my life and I can honestly say what a screw up I ended being.  Whilst doing good in my academics, I failed at everything else.  I used to be good at maths but when I got to higher maths, I failed.  I cannot hold down a job for whatever reason.  I am a hard worker but I am a target for harassment and teasing.  I cannot help being socially awkward.  I used to think I have a big heart but people have stepped all over me and treated me like dirt that now I have a blackened heart.  I am mistrusting of EVERYONE these days.  I have to be wary of every single person I come in contact with.  People don't understand my depression.  They all think I'm a whiny bitch.  They think I'm clingy.  They think I'm crazy. They think I am immature.

I'll admit I haven't been the same since I was falsely arrested and since my father died. I am messed up now.  Really really messed up.  When I was falsely accused of something I didn't do,  my family didn't give a flying fuck.  My mum yelled at me for being stupid when I called her from the ER saying I would need a ride since my car was left in Dixon.  My siblings were all like "aw that sucks" and moved on.  If something like that happened to them, I would have moved heaven and earth to see that justice was done and that the perpetrators were punished.  But that's me.

I am also a disappointment to myself because I feel responsible for my dad's death.  My mum offered to buy me a plane ticket to go see him after New Year's, but I didn't take her up on that offer.  If I had been there for him, he would have had a reason to hold on. But instead I abandoned him and he died 10 days after New Years.  If I had gone down there and spend time with him, he would still be alive.  I can never forgive myself.  I have to carry this with me for the rest of my natural life.

I wanted to join the military.  Went to see the recruiter when I was 16.  I was turned down because my eyesight is too fucked up and cannot be fixed.  Out of the 7 people in my family, I am the ONLY one who is not in the military.  Right now I am so down in the dumps.  Cannot find job.  Recently applied to McDonalds I am that desperate.  And if I were to get hired, I'd be as happy as a pig in mud.  Honestly I would be happy to just work minimum wage for the rest of my life.  All my positive aspirations I had for myself are gone.   Forever.


PHOTO OF THE DAY:
My duckie Walter.

25 Years of Crushes! :)

So my last few entries have been of a morbid nature so I thought I would lighten things up by writing a silly post.  This is a post that is going to highlight all of the celeb crushes I have had for basically my entire lifetime.  I have never, ever done this before and even now I am thinking of backing out because it is so damn silly.  I do have an OCD nature so this may be a side effect of that.  Who knows?  What I do know is that having these obsessions and crushes have not deterred me in anyway or hurt me or others so honestly I do not see a problem with this.  LOL

I will list all of my crushes in the order I have them pictured at the bottom. They are not in any particular order. Some only lasted a month or so.  Others have lasted years and my friends will know who I am talking about.

A lot of my crushes have been people that I liked as a celeb or character before I even had a crush on them.  I have been a fan of their show forever or grew up on their songs etc  etc.  It just happened that one day I said, Hm I think I have a crush on so and so.

 


So *deep breath* here I go.
1). Alex Trebek- I grew up watching Jeopardy with Daddy and I thought Alex was very dashing and smart.  In a young girl's eyes, (me)  he was the perfect guy.  LOL

2) Dick Clark - Ok I got a soft spot in my heart for Dick Clark not from New Years but from the game show Scattegories back in the 90s.  I could not believe he was in his '60s!  I asked a lady at Sam's Club one time how old he was because I didn't believe my mum!!!!

3) Captain James Tiberius Kirk - Ok it's Jim Kirk what is there not to love about him?!  He was handsome, daring, attracted all the ladies, and commanded a starship.  So ok Spock ended up running the ship most of the times but hey I just loved Jim in the Voyage Home.  I drool over the underwater scene every time.  RAWR!!!!!

4) Steve Guttenberg - He is so adorable!!!  I loved him in Three Men And A Baby!  And he was drop dead gorgeous as Lobo in the Boyfriend School.  He just had such a boyish charm about him.  I also really liked him in Zeus and Roxanne despite the crappy reviews.

5) Lt. Tom Paris of Voyager - Dashing, bad boy type, was not afraid to talk back to Janeway.  And says to Tuvok. "Has anyone told you you're a real freakasaurus?"  He was nice to Harry and was good friends to him.  And he had pretty blue eyes.  Sigh

6) Mark Valley – Mark Valley is probably known for Keen Eddie and Human Target but I remember him from Days Of Our Lives when I watched that at the babysitter’s house.  I only fell for him because I swear I thought it was Robert McNeil (Tom Paris) from Star Trek because they look very similar.  But I soon bore of him.  He only lasted like a month. LOL

7) Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr – Come on now. We have all had our Beatles moment.  Even though I wasn’t alive in the 60s or what not, I still fell in love with their music and these two just happen to catch my eye in a crush sort of way too.  They were just so adorable!!!!

8) Phil Collins – I was more in love with his music than him.  He actually doesn’t seem like the nicest of people personally, but he is very talented and I just love like all of his songs and really enjoyed the Tarzan soundtrack.  I wouldn’t say he was cute physically but his talent was handsome if that makes sense.

9) Toby Keith – I started to listen to country in the 90s at the babysitters house and I fell for handsome Toby Keith.  I am talking early to mid 90s Toby Keith when he was actually worth listening to.  I have to admit that after the Dream Walkin’ album,  I did not care for his songs that much.  Still don’t.

10) Michael Bolton – The guy is gorgeous, he can sing, he used to be a Hard Rocker.  And has a very nice chest!!  RAWR!!

11) Richard Marx – Pretty much what I said about Michael Bolton.  I grew up on these guys’ music and have always been a part of my life if that makes sense.  LOL

12) Trip Tucker – The chief engineer on Enterprise is so damn cute!!!!!  I just love his accent, love when he goes shirtless and just had me in giggles when he said to Captain Archer “A poop question sir?!”  and the look on his face!!!!

13) Harrison Ford – Duh he was Han Solo and Indiana Jones.  That gets points in my book.  LOL

14) Barry Van Dyke – Another very short lived crush but I thought he was so cute as Steve on Diagnosis Murder.  He and his dad had such good rapport on the show!

15) Colin Firth – He was awesome as Mr. Darcy.  I just loved him in Bridget Jones’ Diary and Love Actually.  He is just superb!

16) Morten Harket – The lead singer of the 80s group a-Ha that sings one of my most favourite songs of all time, “Take On Me”.  The video was just epic for that too.

17) Go West – Go West was an 80s group as well and the duo was Richard Drummie and Peter Cox.  They had great music and they were so cute, accents and all.

18) Tony Hadley – Lead singer to another favourite 80s band, Spandau Ballet.

19) Big Kenny – Half of the duo Big and Rich.  Any one who says Love Everybody and sings Ride a Horse, Save a Cowboy and has a black country rapper in their band is just awesome.  He had awesome top hats too.

20) Keith Urban - Sexy Australian country singer with a sexy accent and he was in Playgirl.  'Nuff Said

21) Emilio Estevez – The guy had so many AWESOME movies.  He wasn’t gorgeous or anything but he just seem like the genuine article and really played his characters well. My favourite was Kirbo from St. Elmo’s Fire. But OMG Loaded Weapon is hilarious if you haven’t seen it yet. 

22) John Parr – Yet another 80s musician.  He also sang St. Elmo’s Fire.

23) Richard Dean Anderson -  I have watched MacGyver for as long as I could remember.  I always would think wow he is so smart and can get out of anything.  He truly amazed me.  Then I also really loved Jack O’Neil from Stargate.  He was awesome too.

24) Anthony LaPaglia – Another short lived crush.  He did not age well!  Blech.  But I have to admit he was gorgeous in Empire Records. 

25) Young Charlie Sheen – Ok Charlie Sheen is a dick.  But he was cute when he was younger and in a lot of movies I liked.  I only really liked him then because of his look.  He is such a jackass in real life though.  Not at all like sweet, caring Emilio!

26) Will Ferrell – Will Ferrell is funny as hell.  I don’t think he is cute, but I just totally loved him as Chazz Michael Michaels in Blades of Glory and if I need a laugh, all I have to do is watch a Will Ferrell Movie.  I totally loved Step Brothers.  What a riot!

27) Max Carl Gronenthal – Another musician who hails from Nebraska where I used to live.  The picture below of him is an actual concert photo of him that I took several years ago when I got to see him in concert.  What a treat that was!!!!

28) Vincent Irizarry – The hunk of daytime TV.  He plays Dr. David Hayward on All My Children.  I was devastated when they cancelled AMC but was delighted when it was streamed online.  Unfortunately my internet sucks such monkey balls that I can’t watch it.  L.

29) Severus Snape – He is very gloomy and sullen but there is something extremely sexy about him.  Part of it is Alan Rickman’s voice.  I gotta admit Alan is not that cute and he is kind of old, but his voice is just so awesome and I still think Snape is hot. 

30) Scott Bakula – Loved him in Quantum Leap, loved him even more as Jonathan Archer in Enterprise.  He has nice eyes and can sing really well.  And back in 2001, my brother threatened to name his ass Scott Bakula because he knew I liked him and that it would get my goat.  Well it did and I threatened to kick his butt so he nicely changed his ass’s name to Scott Ashby.

So that is my list.  I cannot believe I am about to publish this.  I am going to run and hide from embarrassment now. LOL

*turns bright red*

PHOTO(S) OF THE DAY:

Presenting 25 years of celeb crushes.  LOL  

 

Depression. A self assesment.

I have not been on here in a long time.  Busy with school and other things.  But still no job.......yet.  That is going to change by the end of summer!  :)

However, in light of recent events, I felt the need to make an entry about depression.  And when I say recent, I am referring to a couple days ago but I am also referring to the fall of 2011 that fueled my depression to the worst I have eve seen it.

I have a dear friend who also suffers from depression and yet another who is a schizophrenic and they and I get along quite well and understand what I am going through.  Now I don't have many friends outside of those two, but the ones I do have do not honestly understand my illness.  I need to remember this.  I reach out to them in my way, but to them I am being a whiny bitch who sounds like they "had their lunch pinched at school."  If I sound crazy to you, it is because I am feeling a lot of emotional pain and am trying to reach for you, the light from the darkness.  Maybe I reached out to you because you have always been kind and caring to me but finally reached a breaking point in which you could no longer provide the support I need.  In the heat of the moment, I see this as a slam in the face and it hurts.  But when I stop and assess the situation,  I need to remember that a). You do not have this illness and therefore don't understand it b)You really don't know how to respond to a seemingly crazy person and 3) You are just tired of the whiny little bitch.

It finally hit me why I do not have many friends.  I will meet someone new, usually based on a common interest.  Then I will have a major depressive episode and or get easily offended during one of those episodes.  I am currently in an episode and it has basically lasted since October 2011.  That is a long time.  I know I need to get help and I need to learn how to maintain better friendships. 

First off, what is depression you ask?  Is it just some pussy bitch getting butt hurt about everything?  People that need to "snap out of it" or "grow up?"  Well maybe that is part of it.  But I do not like to think of it like that.  For some reason, some of us get a chemical imbalance in the brain and the neurotransmitters get all out of whack.  Some people are born with that, others develop it along the way depending on what happens in their environment around the,m  There is major depression and there are milder forms of depression.  I actually never realised that I had depression until a couple years ago when my mum said to me, "Honey I think you are depressed."  I have never been thoroughly checked out by a licenced professional, but it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out the signs and symptoms of depression.  When I did find out and assess myself, I thought, "eh  no big deal, right?"  I always thought that I had what is called "situational depression"  which is a chameleon like depression that centres around what is happening to you during a certain period of time then you can quickly snap out of it when a positive thing happens to you.  I now know that I do now suffer from this.  Positive things happen to me a lot but I cannot see through the darkness.  I know that I need help but it is hard to get help when it requires money, something that I am lacking right now.

People who have been subjected to abuse during their childhood or put down a lot have a higher percentage of getting depression.  I do not think of my self growing up in an abusive childhood, but there was a lot of name calling, demeaning things said to me and put downs whilst growing up.  Also, people who are adopted also tend to have a higher risk for mental illness.  To be honest, I hate the fact that I am adopted.  I almost wished my parents lied and said that I was their own, but that really wouldn't work anyway because I remember my life before they came into it.  My father had depression and he had a very abusive childhood.  His mother was and still is an evil piece of shit and I do not care if this gets back to her.  Not only did she treat my dad like shit, she treated me like shit for no reason.  But I digress.

My siblings and mum have also endured the verbal abuse as well, but since I am such a fragile sensitve cry baby, it really hurt me badly.

Hopefully this clears some stuff up for folks.  I may divulge further in this subject down the road because I believe it needs more awareness and because I am still learning about it.


PHOTO OF THE DAY:
I discovered at the start of my major depressive episode that I am okay at drawing.  Not great but okay.  I think it is therapeutic. Here is a drawing I drew for my friend Katie of her favourite Starship captain.